I am humbled that you have decided to read about me.
My name is Yemisi, and I can say with all humility in my heart that l have lived and experienced a lot in my young life. I remember being 10 years old, and thinking about the type of life l wanted to live, and how I wanted to live it. I was exposed to a lot growing up and a good number of these experiences broke me.
I grew up as a daddy-less daughter, for the most part of my life, he was not around. l watched my mother break her back to give my sibling and l the best life she could, as a single mother. I was scared of living that life so l vowed that l would do all within my means to be wealthy. I thought being wealthy would take the pain of rejection and abandonment away, and fill the aching void that had become a part of me. l lost my peace the moment l decided to be wealthy and famous. I became entangled in the circle of “what next,” and how it had to work out my way.
My confusion heightened, l didn’t know what or who l wanted to be. I struggled with insecurity, fear, anxiety, panic attacks. Everywhere l turned, l saw rejection. I missed him, wanted to have him, and oh boy, I did make a number of terrible choices.
At the age of 19, l felt more alone than the sum of my years, individually combined. I had been emotionally tortured and abused, my mind was a battlefield. One minute l knew what l wanted, the next minute, l didn’t know. l couldn’t choose a career because l felt I was so good at communicating my ideas about products and brands, thus, l was meant to be a marketing executive or an advertising manager. I loved science too, l love talking, I love teaching, I love writing, I love helping people and serving people, for the life of me I could not figure out what I was exceptionally good at, I just struggled.
On multiple occasions, I was taken advantage of, mostly by the people whom l loved, or people l would never believe would hurt me. I have struggled, and sometimes I still struggle with thoughts of failure when things don’t go my way. l love being in control of my life, l hate surprises, unless you are buying me a gift. l swore to myself, l was going to be so independent that men would fall to their knees when they came in contact with me. I desperately wanted to be the boss of me. I wanted and I still want to have it all, the fame, the money, the respect, every good you can imagine in life. However, now, I know they won’t be enough to satisfy my soul. I am an ambitious woman, and honestly it came from a place of trying to prove to myself, and show the ones who have rejected me that they lost a good fortune. It came from me trying to punish all those who looked down on me, abused me, and took advantage of me.
Ultimately, l realized that l was living in a roller coaster. I was never happy, never at peace, sad, moody, and depressed. I was a shadow of myself. I took out my anger on everything, even my poor tea table. Additionally, I was so religious because the thought and tales of hell my mama told me, scared me. I did all things religious, but it made things worse. I had to redouble my efforts to live well, not to be angry when, indeed, all I wanted to be was angry. I was at this point when someone special who has become my spiritual mentor introduced me to just getting to know God and not proving a thing to God.
My soul needed rest, l needed a guide, l needed a master, l needed someone to be with me, and just knowing the person of Jesus was the start to my beautiful journey of having a relationship with Jesus. I believe that God allows us to reach rock bottom so we can know for certain that we need his help. Honestly, l am not a saint, but l have come to know love in its purest form. I am a woman in love; one who knows she is truly and deeply loved.
I have come to understand that God loves me so much and that the world means nothing to him if he doesn’t have my heart. I have come to understand that God is not interested in what l can give, God just wants to serve and love me. I find myself changed, and changing still with the way God loved, still loves and will always love me.
Am l perfect? Oh please! No, I am not. I am far from perfect. My friends know l am a mess. However, l am a beautiful mess. I am being groomed, refined, polished to the will and desires of the one who has my heart. It is a beautiful transfiguration, and l can’t wait to see how much God has in store for me. I have learned a great deal, and l know that there is a lot more to learn. For this reason, I am kept grounded before God, as God works in me, and as l grow into the woman God has intended me to become. Eventually, the goal and ultimate purpose of my life is to know the person of Jesus.
Are you hurting today? in pain? alone? abused? rejected? unsatisfied? weary? frustrated? You are not alone. It is my prayer that Stirredbylife will encourage, break, and push you to know Jesus, as I have come to know him, and embrace Jesus just as you are.
Jesus will walk with you through life, and refine you into who he wants you to be.