Have you always avoided being alone by yourself? How do you distract yourself when your thoughts go against you? Do you hate your past? or the awful choices you have had to make? Resenting your present? Afraid for your future? Do questions like this run through your mind? Will I ever amount to anything? How will l get there? My past haunts me, what do l do? How? Why did this have to happen to me? When will this fear cease?
Do not ever feel like you are alone. On the contrary, there are a whole bunch of us who feel that way. No judgement at all. I never want to be alone too. Why? My thoughts always drive me crazy. They run wild like a bunch of wild oats in a vineyard or even more imaginary, like a couple of wild predators on the loose looking for a prey, only l was both the prey and predator.
My thoughts were centered on three major things, my past, my present and my future.
MY PAST: I was pained about my past. I had made choices that I was not proud of, I wished my life was easier, and I was not exposed to a bunch of irrelevant stuff. I was angry about the things that happened to me, some were as a result of my choices, and the situations that were absolutely, and completely out of my control. I was bitter, and always thought if only this didn’t happen, maybe I would be in a better place. I had daddy issues, all coined into battling with rejection. Rejection for me was a stamp, a painful mark and a reminder that no one wanted me.
Each time I was by myself, I cried, hurt, and ached because I never wanted this, I never chose this life yet it was what I had. I believed the choices I made was because of this one thorn in my flesh: Rejection. To avoid being in this state all the time or having to face my darkest fears and worries, I preferred to be in the company of people even when I had nothing to do with them or contribute to their conversations. As far as I was concerned, their noises drowned out the noise, and chaos going on inside of me, and brought me temporary relief.
MY PRESENT: I did not like the state I was in, it resonated with the way I acted towards anything, and everything. I was depressed, unhappy, fearful, worried, and absolutely unsure of what next would happen to me. I could never enjoy a good time because I had programmed my mind to believe something bad was lurking around the corner to take me down. Misery was a visitor that had taken its space in all of me, and it lived rent-free whilst tormenting me. I love being in control of everything going on in my life, and when I sense that I am losing control or grounds, it almost feels like l am losing my life. The alarm for my panic button goes off, and the feeling is like a terrible crash is taking place on my inside. This chaos starts to show up in my emotions, and eventually on my outside. My thoughts waged war against me, and even though, I had a beacon of hope somewhere, I struggled with not knowing if, how, or when I am going to overcome this particular unending cycle.
MY FUTURE: I carried the anger from my past, the depression in my present, and it all built up fear, and great uncertainty for my future. My fears were projected to the extreme. I became an easy, yet difficult book to read, even though I was, and I am still a believer, I wanted an assurance, a physical way out of the mess I had created all by myself. All of the above pointed to something, a theme: “I ran as often as I could from myself”.
Isn’t it amusing that a number of us are on this ship that is sailing towards its doom even before it has left its shore? We run from the truth about ourselves acting like we would prefer to live someone else’s life but ours. The truth l learned in a bitter way is our thoughts are like pigeons, they come at you trying to feed like thorn in your flesh, pay them no attention, they might linger still but eventually they would leave.
OUR PAST: While we absolutely cannot change what has happened to us in the past, we can determine to kill its venom by allowing what has happened to us in the past stay there. How?
Stop blaming yourself for what happened to you! Stop being too hard on yourself, learn to forgive yourself. When you quit putting the blame on yourself, you release yourself from carrying the burden from your past. Doing this also brings you to peace with yourself, and not blaming yourself or anyone nor the situation.
OUR PRESENT: By coming to peace with ourselves, by putting an end to blaming ourselves, and others, we have clarity to think through for the present. Coming to peace with yourself means coming home to yourself. You start to get comfortable with yourself, you think through your choices, you accept your mistakes, by never letting them define you. You learn to pick the lessons from your mistakes, and let go.
OUR FUTURE: While this part of our life remains absolutely uncertain, and unpredictable, being at peace with yourself helps you in thinking positively about your future. It sets the tone for the thoughts that settles in your mind, it feels you with hope that your future is secured and safe, and even though it might be unpredictable, you are well on your way on the right path.
I leave this here with you:
“Embrace yourself, come to peace with your past, and stop running from yourself. There is so much in you the world needs to hear, don’t deny yourself the greatness that has been deposited in you”.