After being in a couple of failed relationships, l was advised to make a list of what l wanted, l was also advised to not make unrealistic demands, and l struggled. I struggled a lot because l actually hate making lists and this particular list required me walking down memory lane, and evaluating my past relationships. Eventually, l made a list of the top ten qualities l wanted in a man, and my desired relationship.
I look for red flags the moment you get my slightest attention, most of which are behavioral characters l had seen from examples of bad relationships. My first go-to questions are usually about his relationship with God. It is just really safe when you are in a relationship with a godly man, my thoughts revolve around him loving me as Christ loves his church so I’ll be safe. Next, I try to evaluate if he is stingy, does he offer to do things without me asking? Is he generous in his relationship with other people? How does he treat his family? His family background? Are his parents married, and how long have they been married? What are his beliefs on sex? Does he have the potential to succeed? Is he passive or driven? Is he open in his communication with me? Is he a surface Christian or someone who genuinely loves the lord?
My fears were usually revolving around his faith, his finances, and his future. Of course, everyone says l don’t want a perfect partner but deep down, we all imagine we could get someone close to perfection. Now, l know it is not possible to have a perfect man so l started praying specifically for him according to my list, and one particular morning after l prayed, the Holy Spirit word-punched me. He asked me, My darling, are you all that as well? What if the man l want for you is praying, asking me exactly what you want, do you think I’ll give you to him? I was shocked. So l turned on my self-defense and said well, I’m a woman who loves you, l study your word, l am generous, l am this and that…. gently, he probed further, do you prioritize me in every of your decisions? I said yes with an attitude. Again, he said, search your heart deeper love, you make decisions, and then pray to me, more like, well l have made my decisions, l just need you to approve it.
Again, the Holy Spirit asked me, you want a man who puts me first? Do you put me first? You want a man who doesn’t have addictions? Can we talk about your addictions? You want an emotionally healthy man? Are you emotionally healthy? There are a lot of baggages we need to go over and be done with, you can’t take them into a godly relationship and expect it to work. You want a man who is accountable to the people l have put in his life? Are you accountable and vulnerable with those l have put in yours? You want a man who is the same on the outside as he is on the inside; are you the same on the inside or do you deal with different versions of you daily? You want a man who submits to me? Are you submissive to me or does your independence gets in the way at all times?
I shivered!!! There was no condemnation in his voice, it was gentle and pure, and in that moment, l knew l needed his help, and a renewing of my mind. I had painted an image of the spouse l wanted, and God showed me a mirrored image of myself. Now, the deal is this, are you like me? hoping? praying, frustrated, and or maybe given up on waiting for the one God wants for you, the gig is God loves us too well to leave us to ourselves, with that in mind, he sometimes brings us to see that we ourselves need help, and are not as perfect as we think we are. It is very unfair to place all these expectations on an individual when we are not even close.
Are all these things attainable? I asked the Holy Spirit, and again he replied with his soothing voice; Yes but you have to let me help you. None of these characters can be achieved In your own strength unless l help you. It is my desire to work these characters in you and watch them sow fruits in your life. A lot of these will require your obedience, and from your obedience, you will see results. So whenever you pray about him, pray for yourself as well, lean on me, and put me first, open up to me and never stop praying. You will be refined as you pray, and it will be worth it.
As l always say, l’m not perfect neither are you but l know l am a woman who is loved and you are loved as equally as l am. God loves us too much to leave us just the way he met us. Make your list, allow the Holy Spirit to self-evaluate you. Are you who you want your spouse to be? Would you marry yourself if you were given the chance? If not, what needs to change? Ask him to help and change you, look into the two faced mirror, and let him refine you. We are all in this journey together, and you are never alone!!