As l daily die to myself, and l find myself in the one who loves me, l still struggle with being in control of my life. Recently, l started my 401k benefit pretax (Thank you Dave Ramsey), and l must tell you l nearly had an heart-attack. My paycheck was cut than the ordinary,and the way my stress level increased was alarming. I started biting my nails (bad habit l know, don’t judge me), l started fidgeting with questions, it is bad enough that l can not afford to buy as much as l want but then a cut in the check… common Jesus really. 4-5 hours later, l was still stressed, by this time it had increased, and was so evident in my mood and face, a lot of mathematical calculations of how to meet my financial goals for the month was ongoing in my head.
I picked up my phone of course, and crawled into the world of instagram. l stumbled on a few celebrity pages with vibrant and flashy images which screamed to me like they had no worries in their lives regarding finances. I asked myself, Yemisi, what are you doing with your life? When will you able to afford as much as you want without stress? Unconsciously, l had started beating myself up, and it continued, and continued until l was in a shell, and didn’t want to speak to a soul in the world.
I wondered what would happen if l had just escaped to a communication with Jesus. Maybe, just maybe if l had surrendered and said Jesus, l need you to help me in my finances this month, I’m trying to be disciplined but this new retirement savings is killing me, help me to keep still,and not lose my mind. The more l did the calculations, the more l buried myself into my unrealistic Instagram and compared my life with these unknown people. Eventually, l found myself looking at sites l should not have looked, and I hated myself more.
As l slowly crawled out of Instagram, l was feeling worse than l had been before going there. Am l not just thankful for grace? One of the definitions of grace l love from the bible is that Grace is God’s aggressive forgiveness. I couldn’t even pray, l was upset at life, upset at my circumstances, upset at the whole World and gently God’s mercy flooded my soul.
In a gentle voice, l felt him say sing. So l started singing and before l knew it l was on my knees. The song l sang was Lord, why do l always forget you are the king of the world and king of my life, why do l always think l can take care of myself, you keep telling me not to worry and l still disobey…. help me, l am sorry.
A couple of days later, as I was meditating, l was reminded of this incident, carefully warned to be very watchful what and where l escape to, as it would either cause more damage to my soul or enrich my soul. More than ever before, this just reminded me that l need God’s help as much as you need him. I escaped to instagram, some escape to pornography, or gossip, or spiting someone else to feel good about ourselves, or digging up our past, and the likes.
The simple solution that l know from my personal experience is turning to God immediately, talking to him before picking up the phone to call someone, talking to him, and surrendering to him. It’s the best escape, you would leave knowing he is carrying you, and you are in good hands. Be mindful of what and who you escape to, it could damage or enrich your soul.